Despite everything that is happening in my life I feel like i'm happy. It's a feeling of content that hasn't been experienced by me for quite a while. I wouldn't say i'm completly cured of any depressive feelings or thoughts that I tend to have, this is just not true. I still need the moral support that comes with experiencing such complex issues that surround my health. I just think that i'm slightly happier. I
The thing is I might just be telling myself I need to be happy. It might be a personal strategy to make me live life easier. It could be that having happy thoughts will improve the outlook of my health overall and so i'm subconsciously convincing myself i'm happy. It is all for the good of my health.
When I think about how I must be happy, I tend to realise that the only reason I have survived for so long with a chronic disease is because of my positivity. I've been able to not succumb to the darkness and isolation you experience after long hospital stays just from not really thinking about the realities. It makes me feel even more ill immediately when I do think about how ill I am.
You see, even talking about it, writing it on an article online it seems like a sort of therapy. I am supported by expert psychologists often, who are able to understand the complexities that come with being so poorly. They have experience with how to make people feel better. I suppose they kind of change the way you are thinking, which is good. It sounds slightly cultish, but it's a cult that would do great things. In many ways, being able to talk about your chronic illness is the best way to get across your feelings to people that may or may not fully understand. It's difficult to live every day with no outlook of the future. In fact it's very depressing to constantly think that way. This is why you must always have the important underlying happiness to support you through the dark times.
I want to live to make people happy. Enrich minds with my imagination. It might sound slightly big headed, but I would personally say it makes me profound. You see, there are many people that would be happy to take away this underlying happiness, I know this because I fail to personally avoid at least one of these unkind people every time I step into modern society.
I used to put so much emphasis on being perfect. Trying to be the ultimate everything. I was young, and everyone makes mistakes when they are young. I look back and see someone who was healthy, but unhappy. For a while I hated myself. Looking in the mirror, I would never be happy with the image that looked back at me. So when I had the health factor taken away, I was raw. I had no opportunity or time to adjust, and so i had to give in to my insecurities. This is when I was bad. I fell deep into hating myself, and when illness was added on top of the pile, I entered oblivion. I felt like a human failure and the happiness inside of me was fizzling out like a fire with no kindling.
Now I have that reserve of happy. It gives me the light to my life that I did not previously have. I am now happy just to be alive. I appreciate the simple things and wish for a future. Before i wished to die and wanted my life to just end. It was horrible, and now i'm coping. That's a good thing, the underlying happiness.
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